Does Your Loved One Have a Hoarding Problem?
- Does he have more stuff than he can comfortably handle?
- Is your loved one embarrassed to invite family, friends, health care providers, or maintenance workers into his or her home because it is not presentable?
- Does your loved one frequently drop something instead of putting it away, or to wedge it into an overcrowded drawer or closet rather than finding space for it?
- Is any part of his or her home unusable for its intended purpose, with a bed that can’t be slept in, a garage you can’t park in, a kitchen that cannot be used for cooking, or a dining table too cluttered to eat from?
- Is clutter causing your loved one problems at home, at work, or in relationships?
- Does your loved one avoid talking about the clutter?
- Does he or she have a weakness for discarded objects, bargain items, freebies, reading materials, or yard sales?
- Does your loved one use avoidance, distraction, or procrastination to escape dealing with the clutter?
- Does the clutter create a risk of falling, fire, infestation, or eviction?
- Does he or she rent storage space to house possessions that you rarely use?
- Do even simple chores go undone because the clutter makes them difficult or impossible?
- Does he or she bring an item into your home without designating a place for it?
- Is she constantly doing things for others while her own home is out of order?
- Does your loved one often replace possessions rather than find or clean those he already has?
- Do bills go unpaid because they are lost in the clutter?
- Does she feel a strong sense of emotional attachment towards her possessions, which makes it difficult to release them?
- Does your loved one’s clutter keep him from enjoying quality leisure time?
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
My 27 year old single daughter acquires animals and does not have the time nor the space to care appropriately for them. All the carpets in her house were soiled and damaged from pet behavior;urination and defacation. She also had piles of clean laundry stacked all over her bedrom. And a collection of shoes in a disaray which is comparable in a way to the quantity of Emelda Marcos. She is involved in a relationship with a man for 6 years who is a compulsive hoarded of items. She works very hard everyday in the pet industry. Recently I intervened and removed all the carpets from her condo and have her liviHe has moved out of her condio into a new home by himself. She has not been able to leave this relationship,which is not healthy, he was abusive in terms of helping her care for the condo and animals. She is living with me until a new flooring is installed in her condo(this happens this coming wednesday). I said she can not have the number of animals she curently has in her space. She has procrastinated getting a new place for the animals. I cannot let the animals stay in my home (4 cats and 2 dogs). Nor can she return to the condo which her mother and I own if she does not resolve this issue. Any suggestions?
Hi James,
You are in a tough situation with this and I really feel for you. It’s hard to watch our kids making mistakes and it’s natural for parents to want to do whatever they can to help. I think you and your wife are doing the right thing by setting this limit about your condo. The boundaries are difficult but necessary. I hope you’ve had a chance to read the report, 65 Ways to Start the Conversation About Hoarding, because it has some ideas about the various ways you can approach this topic with your daughter (it’s a free download if you don’t have it yet — just plug in your name and email on the home page). All the very best to you and your family — please keep in touch!
I have a friend who recently let me in their apartment-it is filled to the rafters with papers that he has collected for god knows how long. He has a 1000 sq. foot 2 bedroom apartment-he may actually have maybe 100 sq ft livable space. I want to help and have tried discussing the issue and he somehow can validate why he needs all these papers. They are in plastic containers and neatly stacked with passageways but still…so how can I get him some help? This disorder is and has been affecting him on a personal level as he needs to have repairs done in the apartment but can’t or won’t let the rental people in for fear he will be asked to leave. Help!!!
Hi Flyfish! Thanks for your note
I can tell your friend trusts you a lot and that you really care about him, if he let you in and now you’re looking for ways to help him out.
It’s true that people who hoard are often the target of eviction attempts by their landlords. The first suggestion I would make is to see whether you live in an area with a hoarding task force. There are more and more of these task forces (I’m compiling a big resource list of them now) and one of the primary purposes of a hoarding task force is to pull together resources to help tenants faced with possible eviction. Hoarding is in fact a mental illness, and therefore under disability law the landlords are obligated to work with hoarding tenants and their advocates to make allowances for the time it takes to get them treatment and help them effect change in their situation.
So first and foremost, see if there is a hoarding task force that can provide assistance — next best option would be a legal aid office that assists with landlord/tenant issues because there’s a good chance they have helped other hoarders. The goal is to get a multidisciplinary team together to provide therapy and assistance to the hoarder and run interference with the landlord so that the repairs can get done and your friend can keep his apartment.
The good news is that it sounds like your friend is a clean hoarder and the papers could perhaps be cleared out into a storage unit for him to sort through as he undergoes therapy?
I’m pretty sure that I am a hoarder. I really need help. What do I do first?
I don’t know how to start “stopping”. I will try to get things in order, but it never completely gets taken care of. I start with all intentions of getting rid of stuff, but I kind of run out of steam very quickly. I’ve tried starting small, but that doesn’t help either.
Can someone help me with a plan to get my life in order?
Diane, you’ve taken the first step — and the biggest step that many people who hoard never, ever take. You’re looking for help. That’s huge, so congratulations
If you go to the home page and get the free report, it’s going to point you to a lot of articles and ideas for getting help. Please feel free to email me, okay? It’s catherine@howtohelpahoarder.com
Hi, Catherine.
My mom is definitely a hoarder. I just read the bulleted checklist above and each question pertained to my mom. Her lifestyle (or lack thereof) has definitely affected her relationships with our entire family and her friends. Her house is so messy that the kitchen can not be used and there is no where to eat because all of the surfaces in the house are covered. My siblings and I have cleaned the house so many times, thinking “This is the last time we will need to this; Mom will change”, but she seems to get worse with each passing year. Please offer any help you can. She is already going to counseling from a psychologist, but not necessarily for the hoarding.
Hi Anne,
Thank you so much for your comment. When you say “My siblings and I have cleaned the house so many times …” this is such a common experience and I have heard it many, many times. It’s the most natural thing in the world to want to get in there and clean things up, and sometimes it’s critically necessary too, but it’s almost always a temporary fix as you have found. I wonder if your mom is open to the idea of discussing the hoarding with her psychologist?
This checklist is my mother-n-law. She is 74. We just moved her from one apartment to another (due to the lack of repairs-she wouldn’t let anyone come in to her apartment as she was afraid he/she would take her worthless possessions). We had already told her that we will be cleaning her new apartment and going to see her several times a week. In addition to the hoarding, my mother-n-law exhibits (and always has) S/S of a lower than average IQ and she is also paranoid.I’m wondering two things: Is the parania and the hoarding related?? And do my husband and I need to observe behavior for additional problems due to the diminishing of her possessions and could she be treated successfully for it?
Hi Susan, Thanks very much for your note! Paranoid traits are indeed seen in some people who hoard; this makes it harder to maintain a relationship of trust between the person who hoards and those who are trying to help her. Also, when someone who hoards loses control of their home or possessions (for example, when the situation reaches a crisis point and others intervene) the resulting upheaval and lack of control sometimes seems to trigger or deepen a depression. Frequent visits and cleaning help can definitely reduce the consequences of hoarding so you’re on the right track to come and help your mother-in-law keep things tidy if she’ll let you do so. Is your mother-in-law willing to see a therapist for an assessment of the situation?
I can answer “yes” to almost all the questions you submitted. My sister lives out of town and can pay bills, etc. She had to clean off the livingroom coffee table for her bankrupsy paperwork. My daughter lives in So. Carolina and recently visited my sister after a shoulder surgery. She three things on the floor after my daughter tried to clean up the livingroom for three solid hours. She got mad at my sister. She left in a couple of days. It is a bad situation. I can’t go down there. I have handicaps and rheumatoid arthritis. Lots of doctor appointments, etc. I live in Texas. My daughter will be visiting from time to time. She has two young children and a beautiy shop to run.
Thanks for all your help.
I meant to say that my sister has a hard time paying her bills. She has a double mortgage on her house, can’t pay the credit cards off and has two storage sheds full of things. She has had lots of yard sales recently that have helped her to get caught up a little and not lose her home.
Hi Judy, thank you very much for your comments. It’s got to be difficult to be worried about your sister while you are dealing with your own health issues. Both you and your daughter are right to be considering your own needs and placing limits on what you are able to do. It’s nice to be able to do what you can for your sister, but the bottom line is that she is an adult who has made and continues to make her own decisions; you don’t control her life, so therefore you aren’t responsible for it. In my opinion, the first step in helping out with a LOWH (loved one who hoards) is to determine what you are and are not actually able to do. Sometimes the most we can do is offer love and emotional support, and that’s okay.
Hi Catherine,
My husband, Jim, and two other generous individuals have been assisting a hospitalized elderly diabled woman from our church who is has a mobile home we discovered filled waist high in papers and misc junk. The fire dept has said she cannot return to this home until it passes and inspection. Now this band of friends have put in about 150 man hours and spent over $500 of their own money for trash bags, dumpsters etc and cannot seem to get any assistance from the local authorities. Any ideas at all that you might offer to help us help her? This is seeming like an insurmountable task at the moment.
Hi Linda, God bless you and your husband and his friends for taking on this generous project! Dehoarding a house is really a huge undertaking. If there are government departments that provide services for seniors, they may be able to help fund the cleanout. Also, occasionally decontamiation/biohazard cleaning companies or junk haulers will pitch in on a free basis to help when there is no money available. Perhaps you could try to involve other service groups or church groups to help?
My daughter and I left my husband five years ago because of his hoarding and the fact that we no longer had any room to live in. Since that time, there is so much more stuff that had been bought that he has actually bought another house. My husband was into denial, lying, deceiving and all of the other behaviors that go with hoarding. He would not seek treatment nor listen to my feelings. He picked his stuff over me and his child. I am seeking a divorce because he no longer is helping me financially. He shops and spends while having more possessions than could be imagined. I have MS and could no longer deal with the things happening in my life. We had been married 35 years. I want others to know that they deserve a life that is free from all of the stress that comes from living with a hoarder. Life is now worth living again.
Joyce, thank you very much for commenting. When you said, “He picked his stuff over me and his child,” it really crystallizes what I hear from so many family members of people who hoard. It is really sad when people choose stuff over real relationships. Thank you for sharing your story!
Four months ago I met a man whom I liked very much – smart (Ph.D in Physics and Applied Math) and able to talk on a wide variety of subjects, former military, now working part-time for the DoD. We share many interests.
He proposed marriage on the third date ….. far too premature but I decided to give it time.
He owns homes in two different states. My first shock was visiting the house not far from my home – in a good section of town and on several acres of land. It was filled floor to ceiling with books, papers, discarded electronics and clothing. I don’t remember seeing any furniture except for that part of the bed on which he sleeps occasionally – mostly he sleeps on a piece of cardboard in a little nook surrounded by piles of “stuff”. To my eyes, there was trash everywhere and the kitchen and bathroom were filthy. I didn’t want to touch anything.
He had previously explained to me that this house was not a home but an “investment” which he is renovating and will sell when the housing market improves; however, the piles of stuff had obviously been accumulating for decades. Furthermore, there are storage sheds and containers on the property holding the overflow.
Although I certainly had serious doubts about him, and considered ending the relationship at that point, I decided to withhold judgement until I saw the second house where he has spent most of his professional life, and is within a 30-minute ride from one of his adult daughters.
This house, all three floors of it, are worse than the first. The kitchen is piled with garbage, everything is filthy and there’s clearly a rodent problem. The plumbing in the bathrooms is broken and the toilets don’t flush.
I was confused, didn’t know how to interpret everything I was seeing – how could this possibly be a man hired as a consultant by the DoD? When I told him that, while I love many things about him, I couldn’t stay any longer in his house (24 hours was enough of a nightmare), he stated that there was nothing wrong with his house, or the cleanliness of the bathrooms – that if it didn’t meet my standards I should spend two hours cleaning it to my satisfaction. Of course, I stated that this was completely unacceptable and that we were talking about far more than a dirty toilet.
He was unwilling to discuss it and I ended the relationship and left.
Having now spent two days researching “compulsive hoarding” on the web, and finding that his behavior matches key characteristics of people with this disorder, I can make connections between that various troubling behaviors I observed.
So here’s my question – understanding that CH does not generally respond well to therapy, and that it takes a terrible toll on the family and friends who try to help, I cannot commit the rest of my life to taking on a responsibility that will consume all of my time and energy. However, I am very fond of this man – he is honorable, a veteran who has served his country well, a amn who raised 5 children of his own and 4 step-children, and he is gentle and loving with me – so I want to walk away “responsibly”. I’m afraid that he will die, alone, among his clutter and not be found for quite some time.
I would like to contact the daughter who lives in the same city and express my concern. She’s a medical researcher and a university professor. By piecing together the few facts I’ve been able to glean, I can find her contact information with a web search. But should I? I don’t know this woman, is it intrusive to bring the problem to her attention?
Either she is not as close with her father as he maintains, or she has tried to help him and given up.
Suggestions please
Catherine: My 80+ yr old mother-in-law lives in a house with stuff stacked everywhere and a stuffed garage and a storage shed moved in to store everything when her husband (deceased) stopped his surveying business. I offerred to start help her “sorting” through stuff this fall when my teenagers go back to school. She says she’s ready, but I know it will be tough. I need suggestions on how to start. How to get her better prepared. How to get myself better prepared. Books to read. Where to start (the dining room table?) Anything that will help. I don’t think she’s sees herself with a mental problem about this. Please help me with some suggestions. –Joyce
Hi Elizabeth! Thank you so much for your comment. I have to say, wow, this is a very sad situation in which your friend is living. To tell you the truth, I was really relieved as I read through your comment to hear that you had chosen to end the relationship. I’m glad you put yourself first and did not kid yourself into thinking you could fix this situation.
As I’m sure you have read, there are two factors that, more than anything else, determine the impact hoarding treatment can have on the life of a compulsive hoarder: insight (an understanding of the severity of the issues the hoarding causes) and motivation. Sadly, this man’s lack of insight is really breathtaking. I have heard of many situations in which the hoarded homes are hidden or minimized by people who hoard when they enter into relationships, suggesting some level of awareness by the LOWH of how far from societal norms the hoarding has gone. But it sounds like this gentleman really doesn’t seem to understand that average people would find his living conditions so objectionable.
Unless this man’s insight increases, the only thing that may result in some change in the situation would be if some authority forced a cleanout, let’s say because of housing code violations or something similar. I don’t know if you would want to go there in terms of reporting the condition of the houses.
As for contacting the daughter, I’m struggling with that one. Maybe she knows about the hoarding, maybe she doesn’t know (although I’m 95% certain she knows — she must wonder, if she hasn’t been invited into the homes, why not). But whether she knows or not, I do not believe that she has any chance of persuading him to see the problem for what it is right now if you — the woman this man wanted to marry — could not. If you contact her, maybe the daughter would find it comforting to share the burden of this secret with you, but then again she has many siblings and step-siblings with whom to discuss the problem. Or maybe she is trying to put her worry aside and live her own life, and hearing from someone she has not met about the problem would feel intrusive. It’s a tough call and I’d say that if you need to contact her to feel that you have done everything you can for this man, then go ahead. But if you can make peace and find closure without contacting her, I think that’s fine too.
It’s commendable that you care enough about this man to spend the time deciding for yourself how to walk away responsibly.
Again, thank you so much for sharing your story.
Hi Joyce, Thank you for your comment and your question. You’re lucky, for at least two reasons — your mother is willing to accept your help and the situation is not yet a crisis. That’s excellent.
I recommend starting with the self help book “Buried in Treasures”.
Digging out is a long process, made longer by the difficulty that people who hoard have in making decisions about their stuff. If you have the time, the enormous patience, and the empathy this project will take you could be a very good coach through this process. Or, if your mom or you can afford it, contacting a professional organizer who is skilled in working with people with chronic disorganization would also be a big, big help.
How about identifying safety issues such as blocked exits and trip-and-fall risks and working on eliminating those problems first? Since your mother is older, take care to watch how she moves around in her home. If she uses pieces of furniture as handholds to steady herself, do not move these items without giving a lot of thought to whether she will be able to rely on something else for balance instead.
If your mom finds that she can’t manage making the decisions about her stuff, even with support and guidance from a good coach like you and/or an organizer, then cognitive behavioral therapy with someone who has experience in delivering programs for people who hoard would be a good next step if possible.
Good luck with this, Joyce — hope to hear back from you about how it goes!
Please send any information you may have on diagnosis for Hoarding…as a Social Worker for Adult Protective Services, we deal with Hoarding to the point an elderly person can no longer live in their home, because the “stuff” most of it garbage is piled through out the home so high, and thick the house has become unliveable. Proving this in a court to get help to the individual is difficult…we need some medical termonology here…ie the person has become harmful to self…please send to the above email address
Hi Loretta, Thank you for your comment! I prepare something on hoarding, its status in the DSM, and the diagnostic criteria ASAP.
I’m glad I found this website as I am in need of finding what my rights (if any) are in helping my parents deal with my oldest brothers hoarding issues. My brother is 50 and still lives with my aging parents. For as long as I can remember he has collected junk he picks from others trash. His belief is he can make $$ from fixing it. He went to college and earned a electronic degree and worked for a while as a tv repairman. When he lost his job in the 1980’s he used the excuse he couldn’t find work so he started fixing tv’s from my parents home (He also started drinking alot of beer which he continues to do to this day) For the most part my brother has not worked since. My parents have paid for all his expenses ever since. This includes clothing, food, shelter, car ins. health ins. etc. Needless to say this makes my other brother and I very upset.
Now my parents are in their 80’s and not in very good health. Since their health decline my brother has taken his hoading to a new level. He has packed their basement full of tvs/electronic parts (none work) Their garage has been loaded with junk for years. The shed is loaded with junk and the front porch is loaded to the door and now he is invading their living room. He claims it is all valuable and he will fix and sell it someday. He now does his repair work in the living room since he has nowhere else to work. I honestly believe he hoards to “fix” so he doesn’t have to get a real job as is very shy and backwards.
Their house smells and I believe some of my parents health problems are a direct result of the dust and uck from these worthless items my brother packs the house with. My mom is upset and has been for years but she does not have my father’s support. My father refuses to say anything to my brother nor will he put his foot down and have the junk removed. He is a very quiet man who does not like confrontation. They would rather keep their mouths closed then deal with my brother barking at them. We have tried over the years to help him see that this belief of fixing all this stuff is just not ever going to happen.There is far too much stuf for him to ever fix in this lifetime! He in turns usually has some smart remark and walks out of the room.
I do not have a problem with my brother living with my parents, but I feel he should be contributing equally to the up-keep and needs of the house. Plus he should be paying his own way. Half of his problem is the fact my parents enable him as they will not stop treating him like a child and paying his way. They give him no incentive to be independent. My mom still does his laundry and buys his clothes as he makes no effort to do this for himself. He spends what little money he makes selling his “fixed junk” at the Flea market on beer and gas and purchasing more junk at auctions. He never offers money to my parents or pays for anything needed around the house. I really think he believes he is entitled to my parents paying for eveything and it’s his right to take over the house as he has nothing else in his life. (He never married or had a girlfriend) He refuses to acknowlege that these are the choices “he made” for himself and my parents should not he held responsible or owe him anything.
Even though my parents know what he is doing is wrong they continue to let him take total advantage of them and their once nice house. I believe they are afraid of him as he has a nasty mouth and treats them with total disrespect. What I don’t understand is that my parents complain about all the junk and how embaressed they are but when we make attempts to help, they come to my hoarding brother defense and say it’s their house and they will live how ever they like. I have to believe a part of them doesn’t want him to grown up because it gives my parents something to do by taking care of him) My mother now suffers from depression along with a long list of health problems.
My other brother and I feel the junk is not only unsightly, unhealty, but a safty hazard to our aging parents. We have tried to explain our concerns with the junk being a fire hazard, or the piles falling on them or worst yet if they were to fall down the basement steps no streacher could be used to rescue them. I have read a lot about hoarding and know it is crutial to handle eliminating unneed things with positive and encouraging care. I have shared this with my parents and came up with a positive plan of action to start slowly with my hoarding brother and help him with the process of weeding out unneed things. Although my parents agree it is necessary and much needed they never go passed the “talking stage”. The longer they wait the most stuff is being brought into their home.
The concern is what will happen to my hoarding brother when my parents are no longer with us. He can not financially provide for himself or for the house he is living in. (We have expressed this to my parents as well.) My husband is executor of their estate and feels if something is not done about this junk situation that he wants to be removed from this responsibility otherwise it will take a very long time and lots of stress and money to deal with making the house ready to sell. Not to mention the emotional aspect of having to be the bad guy to my hoarding brother. My parents estate will not leave much for any of us as they live on retirement benefits and SS. with some savings. My brother has no plans for the future and says he doesn’t care what happens to him or his junk after my parents die. He say’s he fine with living under a bridge with other hobo’s.
So, we are not only dealing with the hoarding issue of my brother we are dealing with the fact my parents are not totally on board with our helping them. I have to believe that they didn’t plan to live their “golden years” and retirement savings on supporting a hoarding 50 year old man who refuses to be independent. I feel deep inside they really want to have thier nice house back but don’t want the confront my brother for fear of his remarks or how he might negativly handle throwing away his valuable things.
I am aware my brother has to be suffering from some type of OCD or mental issue and I know he most likly is an alcoholic. I want to address this in a positive, encouraging manner but, if my next attemp to get my parents “permission” to start this process gets haulted what rights (if any) do I have to take action against my hoarding brother and protect my parents from the unhealthy, unsafe mess they are living in? Do county agencies help? (I have looked for therapist, but can not find one in my area who specializes in hoarding)
Hope you can help!
Hi Mary, Thank you so much for your comments. This is really a frustrating situation and I feel for you and your parents. In some jurisdictions, the adult protective services agency may be willing to act on a tip and do an investigation. If your elderly parents are deemed to be vulnerable adults, your brother’s monopolization of their home could be seen as misuse of their assets. I would start with adult protective services and see how that goes if I were you. I hope you let us know how it goes!
Thank you for your website. I am wondering what advice you have for dealing with an “evolving horder”. My dear husband (DH) is 45 and an academic physician. We married 10 years ago and have 2 daughters, aged 7 and 5. Nine months ago, his 84 y.o. mother died. My mother in law (MIL) was–without hesitation–a pathological hoarder. More than once, the county intervened following reports from neighbors and EMS and they determined that she had “self neglect”. The remediation consisted of my DH and/or his brother coming in and filling garbage bags with stuff and throwing away that which was clear garbage (rotting food, animal feces, etc.) and piling the rest (clothing, books, etc.) into corners.
During the last several years of her life my MIL suffered from Parkinsons Disease and dementia. My DH told me her hording was related to the dementia. He explained that the mess occurred recently. This assertion is, however, clearly wrong. When cleaning our her home it’s clear that the hording has been going on for a long, long time.
Since my DH and I married, I was always annoyed by his reluctance to get rid of things which were worn our or otherwise useless. He has boxes of notes from school, cancelled checks, outgrown/worn our clothing, etc. Despite having some nice furniture, he can’t part with a 40-something year old reclining chair which is literally falling apart.
I’m growing increasingly concerned that he is evolving into serious hording. He wants to bring from his mother’s home various items for which we have no space or need into our already cluttered home. When I try to put my foot down and say “no” his solution is to rent a storage facility–at the same time we are struggling to pay for our monthly expenses!
When I explain my concerns to him, his responses reflect a remarkable lack of insight. While he agrees he wants our home to be clean and free of clutter his means of achieving this is putting everything into garbage bags or boxes and piling them in corners, closets, the basement, under the bed, etc.
Our children watch the TV show Clean House and ask why our family can’t be on the show. At one point, I told them that it was because we didn’t live in California. A few days later, our 5 yr. old daughter announced that she wanted to move to California!
I know that my MILs home didn’t come to the state that it’s in now overnight. It was a slow, steady process. How do you determine whether your loved one is headed in the same direction and, if so, what to do (expecially when the loved one denies a problem)?
Thanks in advance.
Hi Ella, thank you very much for your comment! You raise a really interesting point.
Often you’ll hear that hoarding gets worse with age. But what is really happening is that the consequences of hoarding — the volume of stuff amassed in the home and the resulting disorder and encroachment into living space — tend to get progressively worse over the years.
This is particularly true for people who do not acquire compulsively. If disposal of possessions is the main issue for someone who hoards, then the problem can build up really gradually. But the death of a parent and inheritance of the parent’s possessions is a classic tipping point in these situations.
Hoarding behavior runs in families and researchers may have identified a genetic marker that family members who hoard have in common (you’re probably more familiar with the science of this than I am!).
It sounds like you (and the kids — kids are so perceptive!) already are feeling the crunch of the clutter. Taking a nonconfrontational, empathic approach is the best way support the development of insight in someone who hoards. I’m developing a module about this right now, and I also discussed the approach in a recent conference call (you can find the recording here: http://www.howtohelpahoarder.com/recording/ ).
Sadly, many people who hoard do not develop insight no matter what. In the coming years you may find yourself setting and enforcing limits about how much clutter you will tolerate for yourself and your children. I hope to hear more about how it is going over time.
It is interesting that I do not see too many people willing to get on here and say that they, themselves, are hoarders, or think they might be. Just another “pointing a finger” situation. “that person has a fault – Let me fix them”.
I think that I am. I have a hard time getting rid of “good” stuff. If it is “free” I cannot resist. If it is sentimental, I have a hard time “taking a picture of it” and giving it away. I am constantly “organizing” and “moving stuff around” I have my whole family helping me move my stuff to better locations.
It goes in waves. Sometimes, I am really good at getting rid of things, other times…not so good. My sister, who lives in another state, has the same problem. We cannot stand to see things that are good or interesting or free be just thrown away. We “rescue” them from curbs, trash bins, garage sales and our friends houses. We say we will give them to charity, and sometimes we do.
My husband, who is a dream, would say I could only bring it home if I had a designated place for it to go. That helped a little.
Our mother (and Father- even though his “stuff” was tools in the garage) was a hoarder. She lived through the great depression and had to burn furniture just to keep warm. She was 13 years old. It made a lasting impression on her to SAVE everything. She taught us the same thing. We were very thrifty.
We used to “help” her get rid of stuff and clean up the whole house just to see it add up again. Then, we grew up, got married, had children and began our own little hoarding nests.
Mother passed away 2 years ago and we sold the house. (Father passed away 5 years before that)
Soooo, all of a sudden, when we had to clear out the house…everything became “precious” I told my husband that we would just take all the stuff to our house so I could leasurely sort through it. We had sold the house and had a time deadline.
It has been a year and the stuff is still in a tent in our back yard…A 10 X 20 foot tent.
I can only get rid of stuff if I give it to someone who really needs or wants it.
We finally got rid of the washer and dryer when my son got married and moved into a house that did not have one. I have a really nice washer and dryer!
I think you can see how the story goes.
This is my main comment and question…Other people cannot fix us…
It only alienates and depresses us when others only see our faults of keeping too much stuff and not the good things we do.
How do we help ourselves????? OR……Do we really need help? Can we just keep “Keeping”?
Hi Jolene
Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your point of view and your experience! Like you said, only you can decide if you want or need help or if the effort of changing is worth the trouble. From a self-help perspective, I love the book “Buried in Treasures” and the Flylady website, also the SqualorSurvivors.com website.
This list describes my parents–mostly my mom–but I never had a word to describe what was going on until my sister-in-law mentioned hoarding, and I looked it up online. Your Web site was one of the search results.
I’ve seen really serious hoarding on TV or on the Squalor Survivors Web site before, and, fortunately, my parents aren’t as bad as some of those people, but there’s definitely a problem–and there has been for quite awhile. It wasn’t always like this, but over time, the stuff just started piling up. When I was a kid, I never wanted to invite friends over to the house because of the state it was in, and even when my partner first visited my parents’ house I was apprehensive. I remember calling my brother and asking him to clean the house up before we got there. He did his best, but there’s only so much one person can do.
Now, my brother and sister-in-law, who live with my parents while they save money to buy a house of their own, face the same issue of not wanting friends and family to visit because of the clutter and general disorganization. They do what they can, of course, but for every step forward they take, their hard work is undone within a matter of days.
Plus, that place is such a state of disrepair, though again it’s not as bad as it could be. In an ideal world, we’d just have the whole house gutted and completely renovated, but we just don’t have that kind of money. I’ve thought of trying to save up so that I can pay for repairs piecemeal, such as getting the shower retiled in the bathroom and putting in a new toilet, but when you start making a list of what needs to be done, it quickly becomes overwhelming and financially difficult.
On some level, my mom recognizes there’s a problem just through certain things she says, but I don’t think she’s close to admitting it outright. We all want to help them, but I’m not sure how any of us can make a positive, lasting change–which is frustrating. I live in a different state, so I can’t be there every weekend to help out, and even though my brother and sister-in-law are there every day, they’ve come to accept that they can only do so much.
I thought of sending my parents on a vacation for a few weeks while we get in there and really get that house organized and looking good. I wanted to rent a storage facility to move big pieces of furniture and other collections of stuff, so that it’s still “there,” but just not “here,” scanning old photos and recipes and other papers that are lying around, and things like that, then hire a housekeeper to come in once a week to help maintain. I don’t really think that’s a long-term solution, though.
Both my parents are recently retired, and they’re not that old, but I worry about them, and it’s hard to know how to help. I was there on a visit recently, and I swept the kitchen floor, because that was the one thing that I could right then to make a difference. Doesn’t sound like much, but it’s something, I guess. I just want them to be comfortable during their retirement and not have this hanging over their head as it has been for all these years.
Anyway, it’s good, ironically, to have a word that describes what we’re dealing with, and we can start making progress, hopefully. And it’s good to be able to share with people who are in the same boat. Thanks!
Nate S.
Hi Catherine, I can identify with Jolene’s difficulty of getting rid of stuff. Over the years I too have collected free stuff /others’ junk, believing that someone can make use of it. As a teacher I kept everything because “it could be useful!”
I also hoard paper,stationery.cds/vhs/dvds and am a bookaholic( children’s and self- help, parenting etc. (and usually I was not satisfied until I had the complete series.)
I have only recently been able to give away clothes that no longer fit me or I’ve never worn; Mum found two women about my size that were more than grateful for them. It helps me and am willing to pass on more of my clothes.
My answers to Jolene’s questions from my perspective is; Yes! I needed a professional organizer to come into my home and help me get organised.(It wasn’t easy exposing my very cluttered home.) She was great and I could trust her not to throw out. My family and close friends tried several times to help. But they wanted me to just throw things out and thought I was just being stubborn. However after nearly a year things were a lot tidier but I had actually thrown out very little! It was a costly and I hadn’t gained much space.
My 16 year old son suggested to me ,” We have too much, too many of everything! “Do we really need all these cups and glasses that can’t fit into one cupboard?” In every room, stairway,shelf shed,ceiling area,carport, patio and garden there are boxes of stuff, needing to be sorted. We can’t eat at the table because it is covered in paperwork. Second shower area is for storage. We have to make narrow pathways/obstacle course to get around the house!!!!
So I started to search for information on clutter/hoarding. I had been to counselling, but there is no professional in Perth who specialises in compulsive hoarding. I talked with close friends who have tried to help me over many years and have seen the clutter taking over my life. However I hadn’t realised that, until I found a book published in 2004 The Psychology of Hoarding. Only when I did the quiz(I had ticks in all the boxes =hoarder) did I begin to see the enormity of my hoarding and how I spent months and years attempting to sort it, but in fact just moved it from one area to another.
No, we cannot just keep keeping ,because eventually we begin to drown in our own clutter. I have just started reading Buried Treasures after seeing it on this web. So far it is really exciting me; this is practical help by up to the minute researchers into hoarding. It is making me question, the quality of my life and of my three boys living with my hoarding.
This is very enlightening! Up until 3yrs ago I thought that my brother, Jon, was the neatest person. He has always been extremely picky about his appearance. Dressed, sometimes, even better than the heart surgeons he works for and refused to allow anyone to visit without calling ahead so he could “tidy up”. That all changed after our father died! He told us his one desire was to fix up our childhood home and in a few months have it updated and ready for the housing market. Our father left a sizable estate that was converted to a trust and all five siblings made equal co-trustees. While moving Jon into the home I was dumbfounded at the stacks and stacks of computer paper boxes which he dutifully brings home from his job every week. Then I discovered what they contained, his clothes, tons of them. This still did not raise a red flag with anyone since we all knew how he loved to dress. He was leaving his “life partner” in the city and moving to a rural farm house and I began to wonder how he could possible be happy there. Then things really got strange. He began to fight with other siblings who lived close by and even changed the locks. He told me that they hated him so much he could not sleep at night knowing they had access.
When he came he had three grown cats. Within a month he had adopted a large breed dog which he refused to allow outside for fear his “enemies” would harm it. Things went down hill fast from there. Every little thing that needed repaired at the home would result in calls in the middle of the night and accusations that “someone had sabotaged the appliance or the utility. Then demands that one of the trustees come immediately and fix the problem. Windows mysteriously were broken outwards and had to be boarded up ASAP. He always claimed that he thought someone had been shooting at him and caused the damage. He became increasingly beligerant calling neighbors we had all grown up with “uneducated hicks” and even more vicious comments and put downs. He makes everyone so mad they can’t stand to be around him and I think that is why he does it. If you try to approach him on any of these issues he either turns on you or lies so convincingly that you have to remind yourself of what you are seeing with your own eyes. He also began combing the barns on the farm and bringing kittens onto the porch that had not even been weened and dropper feeding them. As they grew up he began opening areas of the basement walls and crawlspaces to allow them easy access to the inside. The first year my other brother tried to hire a realtor but when the man got sick and threw up just 3 minutes after entering the house he refused to help us out and suggested we have it auctioned for the land alone and forget about the house. Last year we were finally selling but the buyer wanted all the cat and dog feces infested carpet removed. My husband and I wore gloves, masks and old clothes that we later burned to remove the carpets. The whole time Jon followed us around with no protection, wringing his hands and saying, “Is this really necessary?” In the living room we found that the cats being unable to find an opening on the floor had nearly covered a cloth recliner with waste. I came down with a respratory infection and Jon who claims to be HIV positive and in poor health any time we need to enter the house didn’t miss a day of work. The buyer backed off when he was unable to get the insurance to transfer due to the condition of the house. The house was a lot neater and smelled a lot less without the carpets but that was over a year ago. Now even wood furniture that was removed recently has absorbed the odor and oils, etc.. Yet Jon goes to work everyday 2hours away in a major city hospital for a cardiology group and goes home every night to sleep in the only bedroom that has not become saturated since I nailed the doors shut after cleaning last year and which he has opened back up but can’t seem to keep “Wild cats from breaking in and trashing the place.” He refuses to move out he refuses the very idea of taking the cats in to try and rescue them. And now claims that we have violated his civil rights by insisting on entering and attempting to clean up. Of the twenty or so cats 5 kittens were removed (cause we could catch them) and taken to a shelter where they were examined and found to be deceased and had to be put down. AS for his HIV status, he caims to be on a new protocall that only requires one pill a day except when we are trying to come in and take care of things then he claims to be on IV therapy and in quaranteen in the house. He learned terms about in home IV therapy by asking me questions about my son’s cancer treatment. Then he used what he learned to create a ficticiuos situations in which no one can come in to the house. About a week ago he met the security system tech. at the door and told him that he had swine flu and no one could be permitted inside. I look forward to reading what help you can gine me
Hi everyone! Checking in quick partway through my summer vacation
I will be back in a week and gearing up to release the DVD for friends and family of hoarders. I’m going to try to answer everyone quickly. Thank you very much to all of you who have commented! I feel so blessed that you are sharing your stories here!
Nathan – You say your siblings have accepted that they can only do so much, and this is key. Until your parents decide that changing is less difficult than staying the same, lasting change cannot happen. Bailouts and cleanouts, while sometimes truly necessary, actually defer real change because it helps to keep our LOWH comfortable with the status quo. It’s hard because, like you said, we want our parents to be comfortable! You are right that doing the cleanout would likely not be a long-term solution, and it would also possibly alienate you from your parents so that you can’t help to nonconfrontationally encourage them to change. There are times when drastic intervention is critically necessary — but it sounds like you aren’t there right now? Stay tuned for information about how to encourage your parents to see for themselves that change is worth working toward.
Jenny – Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too once struggled with hoarding in my own life, and I personally also found FlyLady.net to be very helpful. The truth is, as FlyLady says, you can’t organize clutter. You have to come to peace with letting it go. It may help to start with getting rid of duplicates. You could keep the best 20 glasses or cups and pass the rest along to people who need it. For example, I gave a lot of stuff away to a shelter for battered women; when you think about it, sometimes women leave abusive situations and don’t even have one or two glasses or coffee mugs, so it made me happy to know I could give away stuff I wasn’t even using and it would make such a difference in someone else’s life. I hope you keep me posted on how things are going for you!
Pam – You and your family are dealing with a really difficult situation by the sounds of things. Sometimes hoarding is not a standalone problem but a feature of some other mental health issue, and with the paranoia you describe I wonder if that could be the case. And yet it sounds like your brother is able to functionally hold down a responsible job. Unless you are somehow able to persuade or compel your brother to get a psychiatric evaluation there’s no way to know. However, when hoarding behavior coexists with paranoia, the outlook for change is not at all good. Perhaps you and your siblings will have to decide, as co-trustees, whether you want to use legal means (a court order perhaps) to force the sale or cleanup of the property, or whether you want to allow him to continue living there as he is now. It’s a really, really tough situation for you all and my thoughts are with you.
I want to thank Jenny VS for her comments. It does help to know that someone does understand. I also, have a responsible job. I am an administrative assistant for a dentist. My desk is clean and orderly. I can find everything I need ( And my boss needs) at the drop of a hat. I keep him organized.
Is this really weird that my home life is clutter city? I may have some depression issues, but other than that, I do not feel that I have any major issues(besides being a “Keeper”.)
I understand the teacher in you wanting to keep things for “projects” I do the same thing as I help with our church Girls Camp. I have the reputation of having a “Mary Poppins Basement”. If they need something…they KNOW I will have it.
What is strange is that it makes me feel good to help, it validates me, but some days I would just like to say “No, I don’t have any of those.”
I feel a panic type feeling when I think about an organizer coming in. Or doing one of those Clean Sweep type shows.
I guess we just keep working towards a less cluttered-more organized life.
I am going to read those books and put into practice what they say. Thanks to Jenny for opening my eyes. It makes me really happy that she is from Australia. I have visited there twice and although I have not been to Perth, I loved Sydney, Melbourne and the people in general. I know it is detrimental to my children, most of whom are grown, to have to “find” things when they need them. My two daughters are the opposite of me…at least for now. They give things away or throw them out when they are done with them.
I am going to read your response every day and watch that hoarder movie at least once a week to keep me motivated. Thanks again.
Yes, my mother and I both have had a problem with hoarding (as any of my friends who have seen my garage will attest!) The “garage” sale we had after my dad died was unbelieveable (Mom was in a nursing home by that time.) I am a therapist and have a couple of clients who are hoarders and working with them has been an eye opening experience for all of us. Thanks for the work you do to help us and the families who love us!
Help! I am a hoarder. It wasn’t always this way but now I look around my house and realize how bad it is. I can’t have people over to visit. I am always making some sort of excuse. It is taking a toll on my marriage. There are paths in every room of my house. I have “tried” Flylady. I came upon this site because I googled how to start cleaning a hoarder’s house. I have a hard time throwing things away. I just don’t know where to start. I really need help. It is good to know that I am not alone. It isn’t that I am lazy, I am just overwhelmed. Thank you for having this site.
I am the “loved one” who is a hoarder. Actually, instead of cleaning, I am sitting here on my computer browsing. Thank you for having such a website. I am so overwhelmed, I don’t know where to start, so I don’t do anything. And the days go by, nothing gets done. I can’t even answer my door for fear someone will see how we(husband and I) live. I can’t have company, friends or family into my house. I make all sorts of excuses. I find it hard to throw things away. I am very clean about my person, clothes are washed, etc. It is just that there are paths in every room and furniture is not being used for what it was intended. I think sometimes the clutter creates a barrier for me so I don’t have to see people. I wasn’t always this way. I used to be a very outgoing person who entertained with three children. My ex-husband and I got divorced and he took almost everything. I went into a deep depression and then he took our three children. I eventually remarried and the children are grown. They are the only ones I let in the house. The mess is taking its toll on my second marriage of 9 years and still I don’t know where to start. I have seen Flyladys website and guess I should start with the sink. I bought all the supplies I need two days ago but haven’t tackled it yet. I feel so isolated and that no one understands me although my husband has been very understanding for the last 8 years. He trys to clean and throw things out and I go crazy on him so he stops. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but am glad I am not alone. It is like a dirty little secret, literally. Thank you again for having this website.–
Oh, My goodness. I am so overwhelmed by a close family members hoarding. This person took ill and was sent to the hospital. Paramedics came in and were going to report her. A member of the family stepped in and said, they would clean it up. So a friends and family members took on the job of cleaning out for her. She recovered and was up set at what we had done to her home. Cleaning and clearing out, some. Yes, Moving from one physical place to another (ok for short time but still is there and some has migrated back) Long story short, she needs repairs done. Admits she has a problem but then won’t let a group of us help her discard & give away or whatever. I’m just at my whits end. Not to mention that she blames only Me for cleaning out a Couple of rooms several years ago. And thinks I threw away important papers ! ! NO, I put any papers that weren’t junk mail in a box by them self. So I am printing out your pages & others comments in hopes she will read them and take some of the situations to heart and get busy and LET US HELP HER! ! ! She really needs repairs done to her home. I am concerned but for me today, this moment in time – I’m throwing my hands up! UNCLE! I’m giving up. I am going to apologize that I made the comment she needs a dumpster (which is only TRUE)! ! ! and her home is UNSAFE, NOT CLEAN – speaking lightly. She has just had a new garage built & now it’s filling up with stuff. I just want to cry! ! ! But I’m telling myself, since I’m not a direct family member ONLY in-law I have no grounds to speak on & because she has a grudge against me, etc….. But she is feeding family members (sometimes). I can’t do anything but it effects me directly because my spouse is her son. I Love Her but . . . no one wants to visit her, etc…. Now, I’m rambling… Sorry.! Today, I’m just Tired, Emotionally & Physically Wore Out and Sad L.G.
This is a good website for people who need help with getting rid of too much stuff! I could especially relate to the excellent comments by Ella L. and Jolene. Yes, stuff just keeps building up (one thing at a time!) over the years for those of us who for the most part don’t acquire things compulsively like some might. It just kinds of adds up and finally things just cant work as they should anymore because of too much stuff around everywhere! Like Jolene, I know I have a problem, that I find it too hard to get rid of things. But I am trying! I want to change and I am changing. But it just goes too slow! I hate that! Why is it so difficult? I found it good to say “I want to be free” as I fill a recycle bag of dated magazines or things. The need to be more free with my living space has to be greater than the “need” or desire to save things. Its like the stuff has a power over me. A negative energy too that comes into me from being around it too long with out a break! That must be one reason they call them “possessions”! I hope some real good positive words can be put on this website, maybe a list of reasons of why it is much better to let go of more things. Please keep putting down the basics of why it must be done, and how to just do it, (like after admitting the problem, then working with a good friend on one corner or room at a time) in spite of the anxiety and difficulty in letting go. Thanks and God bless everyone with the grace we need to change and deal with this problem!